Black Friday?

Okay, all of you Early Holiday Shopping revelers. I know what you may be thinking when you read this post:

1) what a crab

2) what a jerk

3) what's her problem?

4) why doesn't she just lighten up?

So, the above is my disclaimer of sorts. You, (early Christmas/holiday shoppers) have been warned.

Now, can I get on with my brilliant observations already? Thank you.

Other than the disturbing fact that I carry on fictitious conversations with myself, you dear reader should be quite assured that I am of sound mind. Well, sound enough to string a few sentences together, forming a paragraph, which in turn forms something vaguely coherent. Have I lost anyone yet?....yet?...yet?  Hello?....hello?....hello?

Fine. I am perfectly able to crank out a grinch-like diatribe without a rapt audience.

And so it goes.

While driving 'to and fro' the other day (how exactly does one do that?) I had my radio on, searching for a good song with one hand, drinking coffee with my other hand, dialing my cell with my feet, and being verbally abusive to fellow distracted drivers. I had been cranky-grouchy about my music selection since Halloween and the day after. Why? Because I lost two of 'my' stations to 24/7 non-stop holiday music.

Holiday music already? But I still had pumpkins to squash, halloween candy stuck to my teeth, and visions of ghosts/goblins on neighbors lawns. How could I be dreaming of a White Christmas when we've barely had our first frost? (To any reader fortunate enough to be living in a warm, tropical climate: Frost is Snow's baby cousin, cutting teeth.)

Upon hearing on November 1st the enchanting lyrics "grandma got run over by a reindeer", I knew I was a goner. I just wasn't ready for that #@*! yet. (Is anyone ever ready to hear about grandma's demise under the hooves of an exhausted, whip-marked deer?)

So this early holiday music set me off, and I was furious. Mostly because I had to change my radio station presets. But furious nonetheless. Little did I know that just around the corner was something far more heinous than radio music format change. (Wow, I think I just broke my own personal best for the most words leading up to my main point.)

I now had my car radio tuned to a neutral, non-holiday station, playing music that did not depend on the season to entertain.

Suddenly, it happened. (Cue the dramatic music.)

What began as a typical radio spot for some retailer promoting whatever it is they sell, I heard these unbelievable words:

Open Thanksgiving Day, 10:00 PM!

What? I could not believe what I had just heard. It's no surprise to those who pay attention, the retailers are bringing out the Christmas stuff earlier and earlier. But the crazy, insane, superbowl kick-off to holiday shopping has always been the day after Thanksgiving. You know, after spending the day with family, giving thanks.

Well, retailers have been playing the "clock wars" game for several years now, opening earlier and earlier on Black Friday. (For those readers not familiar, the term Black Friday used to mean retailers were happily 'in the black' on this day, while shoppers flowed in and cheerfully parted with their cash.) Here's the more accurate definition, not from Wikipedia, but from (you betcha) Lauripedia:

Black Friday:  A day for consumers to consume, and live to tell about it

For readers unfamiliar with my definition of Black Friday, a brief explanation. On Black Friday, retailers mark down certain items to absurdly low prices, ensuring there will not be even close to enough in each store. When the clock countdown is over, the doors open, a stampede ensues, and grown men beat up little old ladies in order to get the absurdly low priced item.

Mass chaos. Mass casualties. Retailers salivating. Get the picture?

Maybe I am a crab. Perhaps I am a jerk. Possibly I have a real problem. And why don't I just lighten up?

I'll tell you why. Because we've lost sight of the 'giving thanks' part of Thanksgiving. We should slow down, spend more time with those we love. Those flat screen TV's; that coffee-grinder-brewer-blender-shake-margharita-maker; that toy every child has to have and costs a kidney to buy, they will all be there the next day. Well, they would be there, if retailers agreed to stop this insane game and return once again to opening their stores Friday morning. Morning as in dawn, not morning as in 3am.

Until then, I can envision those unfortunate employees, staggering into work, turkey sandwich in hand, preparing for battle.

Black Friday?  Not anymore.

Black Thursday.